Make sure your keyboard and mouse are completely filthy. Especially the red

dot on your IBM ThinkPad. I really like walking away from a workstation

with the thought I might have contracted the bubonic plague.



When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried

under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried

flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we

find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.



Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from

our video recording.



When an IT person says s/he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way

you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to

remember 300 screen saver passwords.



When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at

once. We're just testing.



When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your

problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve.





Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags

it as a rush delivery.



When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense, feel

free to criticize us.



That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk.

Manual labour was part of our IT certs.



When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's

electronics in it.



When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support

We can fix your telephone line from here.



When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair

with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a

puzzle.



When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in

them, argue. We love a good argument.



When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing

tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That

motivates us.



When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs

frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print

after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them

is bound to work.



Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is

meant by "my thingy blew up".



When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the

other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear

our schedule for the rest of the day.



Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.



When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the

software that runs on your PC and can customize it on the fly. Bill Gates

lets us do this.



Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem

before.



If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift

the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to

have 20 lbs of computer sitting on top of them.



If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the

mail/NT/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a

pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.



When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of

their desk and stare at them until they hang up.



Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that

computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional

expertise referred to as crap.



When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support

Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and

Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional

engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.



When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow, call us

as we have a button to press that makes it go back to its normal speed



When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call

the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party

who doesn't know about the problem.



The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on

your screen and can solve it instantaneously.



Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right

to be upset if we don't answer the phone.



When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail

attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.



When an IT person gets in the lift pushing 100,000 lbs worth of computer

equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the

lift to go DOWN one floor?"



And finally, always remember... we were sitting there waiting for your

call.. The whole day!!!